Deeper Meanings
by Ara Sea
Summary: Post-OOTP. Harry goes to live with Sirius because Privet Drive is no longer safe. But Harry finds out some things he wishes he hadn't and questions how well he really knows Sirius.
1. Living Arrangements

CHAPTER ONE  
  
Living Arrangements  
  
"Come on, you can do better than that!" Sirius shouted, ducking a jet of light from Bellatrix's wand. The second jet of red light hit him squarely in the chest. The laughter had not yet died from his face, but Harry saw the mingled look of fear and shock on his godfather's wasted, once handsome face. It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall, body curving gracefully back towards the veil.  
  
With a vehement cry, Harry left his duel and flung himself at his godfather, pushing him to the side. Sirius's limp form tumbled down the stairs, and Harry raced to his side.  
  
"Ennervate," murmured Harry, aiming some hexes and jinxes behind him in case Bellatrix Lestrange came back and cast the killing curse upon his godfather.  
  
It registered dimly in his mind that Dumbledore had come, and Harry turned around, relief washing over instantaneously with the fear of what was to come next. The benign twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes was gone, replaced by cool fury. His wand was raised, and a moment later Bellatrix was immobile on the floor, bound and gagged. Several of the other Death Eaters made to escape, but sparks emitted from the headmaster's wand and they, too, joined Bellatrix on the floor.  
  
Sirius stirred, groping around for his wand. Blood trickled freely from a nasty looking cut on his head, and he raised a hand to his chest, wincing. He shook back his dark hair, rising to his feet and surveying the scene.  
  
Mad-Eye Moody lay unconscious on the floor, face bloodied and magical eye dislodged, finally having rolled to a stop on the ground several feet away. Tonks was stirring on the floor, groaning softly. Kingsley standing by Dumbledore's side, Bellatrix -  
  
"Good one, Bella," Sirius said mockingly, watching her glare at him, unable to do more than struggle against her binds. Shrieks were muffled by the gag, though he had a good idea of what she was trying to say.  
  
Lupin was watching Sirius carefully, approaching him cautiously.  
  
"Sirius?" Harry asked tentatively. "Are you okay?"  
  
With a grin that belied how he actually felt, Sirius replied, "Sure. Just got stunned, that's all. Actually, I'm perfect, if you look at Moody and Tonks."  
  
"Sirius, get away from me!" shouted Harry suddenly, leaping away as though he'd been burned. Bewildered, his godfather stared back at him.  
  
"Voldemort -" gasped Harry.  
  
Sirius whipped his head around, and saw a tall, slender figure cloaked in black robes, pallid hand extended from his robes, grasping a wand.  
  
Voldemort looked scornfully over his Death Eaters, motionless on the ground. With conviction, Sirius saw Bellatrix avert her gaze away from her master's eyes.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" said the high pitched voice, bidding the hairs on Harry's neck to rise and goose bumps to sprout over his skin. "I am disappointed, to say the least ..ah, Dumbledore."  
  
"Hello, Tom," said Dumbledore coolly. Harry started forward, but Dumbledore shouted, "NO, Harry! Stay back!"  
  
"Defending your favorite boy, Dumbledore?" said Voldemort, twirling his wand around his fingers. A split second later, the wand was firmly in his hand again. "Dear me, Potter, I'm afraid even Dumbledore can't help you now .."  
  
Harry gritted his teeth. "Maybe not, but your Death Eaters can't help you now either. Having a bit of trouble, stuck on the floor like that, aren't they?"  
  
"Avada Kedavra!" Harry ducked the jet of green light from Voldemort's wand.  
  
A statue jumped to life in front of Harry, taking the deadly curse and shattering. Another stone figure leapt to guard Harry, who made to go around it, but the bewitched statue wouldn't let him pass. Glancing over his shoulder, Harry caught sight of Lupin restraining Sirius, who clearly wanted to come to his godson's aid.  
  
Dumbledore muttered an incantation. Although the room was deathly quiet, the words used to complete the spell were lost on Harry, who'd never heard them before. A jet of light streaked towards Voldemort, but he had put up a magical shield which surrounded his figure like a ghostly bubble. When Dumbledore's spell hit it, the shield splintered and faded away, Voldemort with it.  
  
Harry looked wildly around to see where Voldemort, formerly Tom Riddle had reappeared. He never had -but with a shock, Harry realized that Bellatrix Lestrange had disappeared as well, the other Death Eaters left on the floor.  
  
For the second time, the door to the room burst open. This time, Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, and five Aurors entered the room. Fudge's lime green bowler hat was nowhere to be seen, and he looked frantic, a maniacal glint in his eye.  
  
"Did you see -did you see him? Him, in the Ministry of all places! He took a woman and disappeared -"  
  
"About time you caught on," snarled Sirius, before Lupin clapped a hand over his friend's mouth.  
  
"No," whispered Lupin urgently. "Don't put yourself in any more trouble .."  
  
Fudge had just caught sight of Dumbledore.  
  
"D-Dumbledore! And Sirius Black!" Looking positively bewildered and frazzled, the Minister looked as though he wanted nothing more than to sit down and cry. "Dawlish -arrest Black!"  
  
One of the Aurors moved forward, wand raised, but Dumbledore shouted, "NO!" once again, and the man called Dawlish stepped back, blinking.  
  
"And what authority do you have to order my Aurors around?" snapped Fudge testily.  
  
Dumbledore paid him no mind, but touched one of the pieces of the shattered stone guard, and said softly, "Portus."  
  
"Now Dumbledore, that's an unauthorized Portkey and I -" began Fudge. He was silenced when Dumbledore turned to look at him slowly, eyes still lacking their usual twinkle. Then the headmaster of Hogwarts refocused his attention on Harry.  
  
"Harry, take this Portkey back to Hogwarts with Sirius, Remus, and Moody -go straight to Madam Pomfrey."  
  
Harry nodded, and felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw Sirius, standing protectively by his side. They each put a finger on the statue while Lupin hoisted Moody to his feet, gingerly slipping the ex-Auror's magical eye into his pocket. Then, one hand pressing Moody's own to the Portkey, the other touching it for himself, Lupin nodded to Dumbledore.  
  
"Ready then? One ..two ..three," said Dumbledore.  
  
Harry felt the familiar jerk behind his navel and the rushing sensation of hurling forward through space in a whirlwind of sound and color, and then -  
  
"Oomph!" Rising quickly to his feet, Harry looked around. They were in Dumbledore's office. Lupin and Sirius were still standing, though visibly shaken, and Moody was just beginning to stir, a low groan escaping his lips. His hand moved vaguely around, then Lupin hurried forward and produced Moody's magical eye, placing it in its respective owner's hand. Only Harry saw the slight look of revolt Lupin gave the slippery eye.  
  
"To the hospital wing, Harry," said Sirius.  
  
"No way -I'm fine -it's you who needs to go! Well, and Moody -"  
  
"I want to make sure you're fine," said Sirius firmly. "Let's go."  
  
Sighing, Harry followed his godfather to the hospital wing, while Lupin helped Moody unsteadily to his feet.  
  
Once they got there, Madam Pomfrey was all over them, pushing Harry down onto a cot, then forcing Sirius down onto the one alongside.  
  
Harry didn't fight her, but lay down peacefully. He was tired after the night's events. He dimly heard Madam Pomfrey gasp.  
  
"Alastor -Remus, what happened?"  
  
"Death Eater work," Harry heard Lupin say.  
  
Tsking, Madam Pomfrey bustled around, getting potions and antidotes ready. She leaned over Harry, forcing a cup of liquid into his hands.  
  
"Drink this -it'll make you feel better."  
  
"I'm fine," said Harry. "It's Sirius you need to see -he got a Stunning spell to the chest -"  
  
"Drink," repeated Madam Pomfrey, before leaving Harry's side to check on Sirius and Moody.  
  
Harry heard an awful squelching sound as Moody's magical eye was popped back in to his head. He tentatively took a sip of the potion. Harry grimaced. It tasted awful. And then he lost consciousness, falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.  
  
When he awoke, Harry sat up with a start, fumbling around for his glasses so he could see what happened to the others. Lupin was dozing in a chair off in the corner, snoring softly. Moody was asleep two bunks down, his face was no longer bloodstained, but clean and peaceful. There was heavy bandaging wrapped around his head. Sirius appeared to be sleeping, too. Like Moody, his head was bandaged.  
  
Madam Pomfrey made her way quickly to Harry's side, though very quietly.  
  
"Ah! You're awake! How are you feeling?"  
  
"Fine," said Harry. "How are the others?"  
  
Madam Pomfrey glanced at Moody and Sirius. "Alastor is lucky, the biggest head injury was sustained behind his left ear, but he'll be fine in a week or so."  
  
"And Sirius?"  
  
"He'll live," said Madam Pomfrey. "He's very fortunate ..a well placed Stunning spell to the chest can stop the heart, but the one that hit him just scraped by. He has a concussion, he's going nowhere for a week, and he's not leaving for another half week after that."  
  
Harry looked worriedly at Sirius. It sounded serious, but he trusted Madam Pomfrey's healing abilities. He started to lie back down, but Sirius sat up, grinning at Harry.  
  
"Sirius!" said Harry in a low whisper. "Are you okay? Madam Pomfrey said -"  
  
"I heard."  
  
"It sounded serious .."  
  
"Don't worry about me, I'm fine," Sirius said confidently. "Dueling with my cousin was a right change from being locked in my parents' house with a nutter house elf."  
  
Harry looked skeptical, though he smiled slightly at Sirius's mention of Kreacher.  
  
"Wretched elf," muttered Sirius darkly. Harry didn't need to ask at what he meant -Kreacher had lied to Harry, sending Sirius's godson into danger in the Department of Mysteries.  
  
"So when d'you reckon he gets beheaded and stuck up on the wall?" asked Harry, smiling faintly.  
  
"Hmm ..good question," said Sirius, pretending to ponder it. "As soon as we get home?"  
  
A change came over Harry, and he looked at his godfather rather sullenly. "Do you really think he deserves to die?" Harry asked quietly.  
  
"Yes," said Sirius coolly. "A house elf that does what Kreacher's done has no excuses."  
  
Just then, the door opened, and Dumbledore swept in, smiling pleasantly at Harry and Sirius.  
  
"I trust you are feeling better today?" asked the headmaster.  
  
"Yes," said Harry and Sirius together.  
  
Sirius let out his usual barklike laugh. "What else did Fudge say? Was he begging for forgiveness?" Harry noticed how hard his godfather's voice sounded.  
  
"Not quite," said Dumbledore. "But nevertheless, the Death Eaters are in Azkaban ..which is not a thought of much comfort," he added. "The dementors are rejoining Voldemort -putting his most dangerous supporters in the care of creatures who would rejoin him the instant he asks them to has always seemed foolish to me."  
  
Harry nodded slowly, mulling over what Dumbledore had just said.  
  
"I have come, Harry, to discuss your living arrangement." Dumbledore fixed his gaze on Harry now, who also felt Sirius's eyes on him. "After last summer's events, I no longer feel Privet Drive is a suitable place for you. I thought the protection there would be enough ..but it seems I've made yet another mistake. If two dementors were able to come after you, then Death Eaters would also be able to.  
  
If it's all right with Sirius, I plan to move you to the Order of the Phoenix headquarters permanently. It's the safest place for you right now. It's Unplottable, and with my charms and protections, no one can find it unless I personally write them a note. Even the Ministry doesn't know where it is."  
  
Harry's heart leapt. "L-leave the Dursleys? Live with Sirius?"  
  
"Of course, Dumbledore," said Sirius, looking more gratified and pleased than Harry had ever seen him. "I want what's best for Harry."  
  
"Dumbledore? I've been meaning to ask you for a while now .." Harry turned to the old wizard. "After the Triwizard Tournament, after I told you and Sirius how Voldemort took some of my blood, you looked ..almost ..triumphant. Why?"  
  
Dumbledore smiled serenely. "Immortality is now beyond Voldemort's reach," he said. "By using your blood, and you being human ..mortal blood will always flow through his veins, so he can always be defeated. It was a mistake I'm not sure eve he has realized yet, but yes, it was a terrible mistake for him."  
  
"So ..it's good for us?" asked Harry, with a suspicion of where this conversation was going to turn.  
  
"You remember the prophecy, Harry?" Dumbledore asked the fifteen year old. Harry nodded. "Yes, it's good."  
  
A random thought occurred to Harry. "Since no one can find Sirius's house ..could I, you know, do magic over the summer?"  
  
Dumbledore sighed. "No, Harry ..only for emergencies. If, somehow, in the future, the Ministry found out you'd been doing unnecessary magic, they could put you on trial. The last thing we need is for you to get in trouble with the Ministry, do you understand?"  
  
Harry nodded, slightly disappointed, but not devastated. After all, he'd lived eleven years of his life as a Muggle, not even knowing magic existed. He'd be fine for two months every summer.  
  
Looking over to his right, Harry glanced at Sirius, who looked thrilled. He couldn't really blame him. As he thought back on the times that past year when Hermione had said things that irked him, the grin slipped from his face.  
  
"But sometimes I think Mrs. Weasley is right, and Sirius gets confused about whether you're you or your father, Harry."  
  
"So you think he's touched in the head?"  
  
"No ..I just think he's been very lonely for a long time."  
  
"Harry?" said a voice. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"Huh? Oh ..right." Harry plastered a grin back on his face for Sirius, who was gazing at him concernedly.  
  
"Dumbledore left."  
  
"He did?" Startled, Harry looked around. Dumbledore was nowhere to be seen. He hadn't been reminiscing for that long, had he?  
  
"Look, Harry ..I'm really glad you're coming to stay," said Sirius.  
  
"Me too," replied Harry, flopping back down onto his pillows.  
  
"We'll have lots of fun," promised Sirius. "It'll be like old times."  
  
"Old times?"  
  
"Er ..last winter," said Sirius quickly.  
  
Harry frowned slightly, staring hard at his godfather. "What were you going to say, Sirius?"  
  
"Nothing, just ..last winter."  
  
An unpleasant sensation was taking over Harry, though his loyalty to Sirius outweighed all of the new thoughts prickling his mind. He wished he hadn't overheard Mrs. Weasley and Sirius's rows the summer before ..for his godfather's last comment made Harry wonder if Hermione and Ron's mum were right, and Sirius really did get confused about who Harry was. Entertaining this thought was extremely uncomfortable to Harry, and he didn't know what to say.  
  
Harry opened his mouth slightly, hesitated, then plunged on. "Who d'you think I am?" He watched his godfather cautiously.  
  
Sirius looked highly affronted. "What do you mean, Harry?"  
  
"Do you -do you really know who I am, or do you think I'm my dad?" asked Harry quietly.  
  
"I'm perfectly clear who you are," said Sirius coolly. "You don't think I know you?" Already Harry could sense that his godfather was distancing himself.  
  
"Sorry," Harry said quickly.  
  
"Don't be," said Sirius moodily.  
  
Harry decided to change the subject. "Does Lupin live at your house, too?"  
  
"Yeah," said Sirius, "but he didn't always. He just came last summer, when Dumbledore recalled the Order."  
  
Another nagging suspicion was bothering Harry ..the previous winter, when Mr. Weasley had been attacked, Harry, Ron, Fred, George, and Ginny arrived at Grimmauld Place in the dead of the night, greeted by an unshaven Sirius still in his day clothes ..and there had been more, Harry remembered. He'd shrugged it off at the time, but Sirius had had a slightly Mundungus-like whiff of stale drink about him ..  
  
Harry bristled again, more uncomfortably than before. He made up excuses for Sirius. He must've just been depressed, he told himself firmly. You wouldn't want to be shut up in that old house with Kreacher either. But drinking? Harry had never known Sirius to indulge in liquor to escape reality. He vowed to himself to try to keep Sirius as happy as possible, so his godfather wouldn't have to turn to alcohol.  
  
Or he could be reading too far into this, piped up the side of his mind which loved Sirius and would do anything to defend him.  
  
"Harry?" said Sirius again.  
  
When Harry reluctantly met his godfather's eyes, all his worries vanished. Just being stupid, he told himself. He'll have me, he won't be lonely anymore. 


	2. Late Night Discoveries

CHAPTER TWO  
  
Late Night Discoveries  
  
The days passed quickly, though Sirius grew evermore impatient to leave the hospital wing. Even Harry had to admit that Madam Pomfrey's watchfulness was reaching new heights, as she had three patients and nearly twenty-four hours to devote to them (she lived at Hogwarts like the professors).  
  
Sirius also grew more restless as each day passed, for he would have liked nothing more than to rise and at least walk around the wing when Madam Pomfrey was out of sight, but for most of the daylight hours Harry seemed to channel the nurse's spirit, protesting and pleading with Sirius to stay in bed. Sirius, who hadn't the heart to say no to Harry, sullenly succumbed to his godson's wants.  
  
Harry saw Sirius's moods changing day by day, and sensed that he couldn't get much moodier or surlier. However, his own days were spent not in bed, but listening to snips of conversation between Lupin, Sirius, and Moody. Madam Pomfrey actually joined in a few times, and it didn't take long for Harry to catch on what they were talking about -Voldemort.  
  
Dumbledore occasionally dropped by to discuss things more officially with the Order of the Phoenix members in that hospital wing. Even though they discussed things in minute voices, heads bowed, Harry still had to pretend to be in a deep sleep or else, he expected, they'd force sleeping potion down his throat.  
  
"Lucius Malfoy went to Azkaban?" whispered Lupin.  
  
"Yes," replied Dumbledore. "He knew better than to renounce Voldemort (Madam Pomfrey gasped at the name) again."  
  
"Smartest thing he's ever done," growled Moody in an undertone. "Voldemort would've tortured him if he pleaded innocent -not that he could," added the ex-Auror. "Lying on the floor with other Death Eaters didn't help his case."  
  
The foursome paused their conversation to check if Harry was still sleeping. He breathed as deeply as he could, stilling his eyes beneath their lids. Seeming satisfied, they resumed their conversation.  
  
Harry didn't dare move, for he felt Moody's magical eye on him.  
  
"His son, Draco, won't be pleased with Harry," said Lupin with a small smile.  
  
"Tried to curse him last year, didn't he?" Moody said, making a disgusted noise. "McGonagall tells me Barty Crouch turned the kid into a ferret and bounced him around. Can't say I would've given him just detention, either."  
  
"Did he?" asked Sirius sharply. "To Harry?" He sighed. "The tournament was bad enough, without having to worry about getting hexed in the hall .."  
  
Dumbledore's eyes sparkled. "But I seem to recall, Sirius, that you did quite the same."  
  
Sirius grinned and nudged Lupin, who smiled slightly. "Yes I did," remarked Sirius proudly. "Not Lupin, though -he was the good boy."  
  
"The number of times you and James were in detention is second to nobody else," said Dumbledore tiredly.  
  
"Moving on," said Moody.  
  
"Yes indeed, Alastor," replied Dumbledore.  
  
"No, Potter is up."  
  
Harry cursed under his breath. He'd chanced a blink, for there was something in his eye, but Moody had still been watching him from before. He opened his eyes and glanced over to the small group huddled around Sirius's bed to his right.  
  
"Have a good rest?" asked Lupin kindly.  
  
"Er ..yeah," said Harry.  
  
"How much did you hear?" Lupin inquired.  
  
"Not much," mumbled Harry sheepishly.  
  
Sirius sat up straighter. "You're sure? It's okay Harry, just tell us."  
  
"A lot," admitted Harry, watching Dumbledore's face for any clue to what the headmaster was feeling. "From the part where Lucius Malfoy went to Azkaban."  
  
"Oh." Sirius exhaled loudly, and Harry just noticed a tinge of relief on his godfather's face. Dumbledore's expression was unreadable, any expression was lost in Moody's gnarled face. Lupin wore an expression similar to Sirius's.  
  
Harry's brows drew together in a frown. He'd clearly missed something important, something the others didn't want him to know about. He shrugged it off, he'd ask Sirius after Dumbledore had left and Lupin and Moody went back to sleep. His godfather had always risked everything to see him, talk to him, so Harry was confident that he wouldn't be in the dark for long.  
  
Later that night, Harry rolled over, facing Sirius's body which was sprawled across his cot.  
  
"Sirius," he whispered. When Sirius didn't respond, Harry repeated, as loud as he dared, "Sirius!"  
  
Sirius started and cracked open an eye. Harry was watching him intently. "Yeah?"  
  
"What did I miss earlier?"  
  
Sirius's heart constricted in his throat. "What do you mean?" he said casually.  
  
"You and Lupin were relieved that I didn't hear something .."  
  
"Nothing, just private business for the Order," responded Sirius nonchalantly.  
  
Harry studied Sirius's face carefully. His godfather was staring back convincingly, willing Harry with his eyes to believe what he'd just said and think no more of it. Heaving a great sigh, Harry lay back down.  
  
The next morning dawned glum and rainy. Its mood seemed contagious, or perhaps it was just his pent up frustration at not being able to do anything for so long, but Sirius, Harry noticed, was extremely surly.  
  
"Aren't you happy, Sirius?" Harry asked, voicing his concern. "We're leaving today."  
  
Sirius shrugged moodily, slapping his messy sheets down on the cot where he'd spent the past week and a half. The bandaging had finally come off his head, and he was given a clear bill of health by Madam Pomfrey, to which Harry was immensely relieved.  
  
"I guess so." Then, as though he thought better of what he'd just said, Sirius added, "Listen, do you want to go to Diagon Alley and get your school things?"  
  
Harry stared incredulously. "With you?"  
  
Sirius replied, "Then with who else?"  
  
"Sirius, you're supposed to be in hiding! Remember last year, Malfoy saw you at the train station and you were nearly arrested! You can't go anywhere!"  
  
"All right, all right, I've got it," said Sirius, scowling slightly.  
  
"I just don't want you getting thrown back into Azkaban with the dementors," continued Harry fervently.  
  
"I said, I -"  
  
"I know you backed out of the fire last year because you were mad at me," said Harry, the words coming more quickly now. "Sirius, I really care about you, and if you got caught I -well, I don't know what I'd do."  
  
Sirius gazed back at Harry, scowl receding slightly. "All right," he repeated, though in a softer tone than before. "Remus can take you, I guess."  
  
Harry awoke suddenly to shouting muffled by walls and doors. Quietly, he slipped out of bed, inching down the hallway cautiously. He peered into the kitchen, and what he saw made his blood run cold.  
  
Sirius was slumped over the table, empty bottles of beer rolling astray across the table. When Lupin tried to help his friend to his feet, Sirius flung out a fist, catching Lupin in the stomach.  
  
"Sirius, you can't carry on like this -Harry," argued Lupin breathlessly.  
  
"I'm fine," Sirius drawled, still in his day clothes. He looked a mess -his long black hair was ragged, falling well past his shoulders. He was unshaven. "Don' worry 'bout me. 'Arry's fine, 'e hates me anyway."  
  
"That's a lie and you know it, Sirius," said Lupin, hurriedly filling a glass with cold water. "Harry loves you .." He thrust the cup towards Sirius, the icy contents splashing Harry's godfather in the face. "Why are you doing this?" Lupin asked urgently.  
  
Sirius only shook his head, face in his hands.  
  
"Did you and Harry have a fight?" asked Lupin, filling the glass again and splashing Sirius's face with the water again.  
  
"Don' remember why," mumbled Sirius miserably. "I must've said something .." He sat upright, running a hand through his messy hair.  
  
Horrified, Harry backed away, running back to his room and standing by his bed. He hadn't realized that what he'd said had hurt Sirius so badly. He pressed his fingers to his temples, willing the image to go away. He walked numbly to the bathroom, and spotted Sirius's razor lying on the counter. So simple, all he had to do was cut ..  
  
Harry drew a tentative line with the razor across his wrist, then stopped. No, he couldn't ..so stupid, being stupid, he told himself firmly. He ran the cut under the faucet, then held his face cloth to it until the bleeding stopped. Dismayed, he realized that he couldn't undo what he'd just done ..anyone could tell that the wound was self-inflicted. Harry grabbed the bloodied towel.  
  
He returned to his room, and pulled one of Dudley's long-sleeved sweatshirts form his trunk and eased it on. To his relief, the long cuff on the sleeve hid the cut from sight. Harry then stowed the towel beneath his bed.  
  
The next morning at breakfast, Harry ate his cereal in silence, willing himself to forget the events of the night before. As of yet, Sirius showed no signs of having been drunk; indeed, his long hair was clean, most of the tangles combed out. Sirius looked on concernedly.  
  
"Harry?" he said finally. "Are you still mad at me?"  
  
Sighing, Harry looked into his godfather's tired eyes, knowing full well why he was silent. It wasn't because he was giving Sirius the cold shoulder after their argument the day before, but because he was almost afraid that something he might say would trigger such a desire in Sirius as to drink again  
  
Harry shook his head while Sirius lifted his fingers to his temples, elbows on the table. Reaching across the table for more milk, his sleeve slipped, exposing his wrist. He froze as he heard Sirius inhale sharply.  
  
Harry made to cover his wrist again, but Sirius was quicker and grasped him by the forearm firmly, running a finger lightly over the self-inflicted cut.  
  
"Harry," he breathed, brows furrowed together. "What -why? Was it the row we had yesterday?"  
  
Harry hesitated. Should he divulge what he'd seen last night?  
  
"Tell me the truth," Sirius pressed, eyes full of an emotion that Harry could not yet recognize.  
  
Lowering his eyes, Harry heaved another sigh. "I saw you last night, Sirius," he began. "I can't believe you thought I hated you," he continued, a note of hurt in his voice. Or was it panic? "I thought I'd left abuse behind with the Dursleys, but .." Harry broke off, recalling how Sirius had punched one of his greatest friends in the world without second thought, or even an apology.  
  
Sirius's face blanched visibly, clearly stricken. "Harry, I -"  
  
"Why did you do it?" asked Harry, more urgently this time.  
  
"I'm so sorry you had to see that," whispered Sirius hoarsely. "I wasn't thinking when I said that stuff, Harry, you have to understand .." Sirius paled even more, eyes fixed on his godson's wound. "You did this because of me?"  
  
Harry averted his gaze, attempting to pull his hand away from Sirius's grasp. Then something stirred in his memory.  
  
"Is this what you didn't want me to find out about at Hogwarts? You have a drinking problem?"  
  
"I don't, I just -"  
  
"I'm really sorry you aren't the person I thought I knew," said Harry, wrenching his arm away from Sirius. "I never thought you'd take the easy way out like that. I thought you were stronger than that." Eyes boring holes into his godfather, Harry stood and hurried to his room.  
  
As he sat on his bed, flipping absently through Quidditch Through the Ages, Harry felt a pang of guilt at the look of mingled hurt and shock he'd caused on Sirius's face. But then again, that same face full of anger and depression had been enough to send Harry running in the opposite direction the night before.  
  
Harry put his face in his hands, trying to think. But Sirius's face had an annoying habit to keep popping into his mind, interrupting his trains of thought and sending Harry back to square one. He lay back, spread-eagled on his bed now. There was a knock on the door.  
  
Harry didn't bat an eye. He knew who it was -he and Sirius were the only ones in the house besides Kreacher, and the house-elf wasn't polite enough to knock.  
  
The door creaked open, and Harry braced himself, rolling his eyes back to the pillow behind his head. The bed sank a few inches as Sirius eased his slender frame onto it.  
  
"I don't deny it, Harry, and I know I made a mistake -I'm not proud of it," said Sirius quietly.  
  
Harry sat up, ignoring the prickle in his scar which had been aching for the past year and a half. "You know what? I'm not sure you are."  
  
With a coolness in his voice that suggested he was refraining from shouting, Sirius responded, "But this isn't just about me and ..drinking. You shouldn't have done this to yourself," he continued, tracing the outline of Harry's cut with a finger, like he had done earlier at breakfast. "Look ..can we forget about all this and just get on with our lives?"  
  
Harry, detecting the tone of urgency in Sirius's last request, nodded his head numbly, though he doubted he could ever erase the memory. He found he still wasn't sorry about slashing his wrist, though.  
  
Sirius gave him a small smile, running a hand wearily through his dark hair. "Molly's coming over later today."  
  
Harry's heart leapt. "Is Ron coming too?"  
  
"Dunno," said Sirius. "I could ask her, if you want."  
  
"Thanks," said Harry gratefully, leaning back onto his bed again.  
  
An hour later, the doorbell rang, and ignoring Mrs. Black's screeches, Sirius and Harry hurried to the door and let in Ron and his mum. Two conversations began. One was Harry inviting Ron up to his room to play a game of wizard chess, the second Sirius discussing Order business with Mrs. Weasley.  
  
"Squash it, it's just a pawn," muttered Harry ten minutes into the game. To his delight, his castle took his order and, a moment later, Harry swept the battered pawn off the board.  
  
Dinner that night was magnificent. Mrs. Weasley had cooked it for the four of them, potatoes, chicken, steak, tart, seasoned bread ..  
  
Harry and Ron were in a heated discussion about the Quidditch League.  
  
"They're idiots, I'd like to see 'em play Ireland," Ron said, taking a swig of butterbeer.  
  
"The Tornadoes aren't half bad," replied Harry fairly. "I wonder if they could take Bulgaria?"  
  
"Not a chance, not if they have Krum."  
  
"I guess you're right, Krum almost got Ireland in the World Cup." Harry tore a chunk of meat off his chicken leg.  
  
Mrs. Weasley and Sirius were eating in complete silence. Harry shook his head. They couldn't possibly still be upset with each other over the events of the previous summer! Lowering his hand into his lap, Harry checked to see that his wrist was fully concealed. If Mrs. Weasley saw it, it'd be the end of him. 


End file.
